Almost all of my depressive/angsty moods begins with the question “What is my purpose in life? What am I doing?”

Why is it that I need a concrete so called purpose in life for me to properly function? I feel so lost without one. And questioning one’s existence never ends well…

During college, it’s so much easier. I’m there to get a degree. Because I need one. I have my planner full of obligations. I try not to think too much about it, in fear of cycling back through my depression.

This is where my “projects” roll in. I can’t even tell you how many projects I’ve created to try and fill this hole inside of me. YouTube channels, blogs, journals and countless video ideas. All with the prime focus of making a difference in people’s lives. That’s all I want out of life. And the hardest part for me might have to be accepting that it’ll never happen on a big scale.

Now, these projects… imagining them always gives me terrific pleasure. I become so engulfed in their ideas, imagining the future with all of its glory, that as soon as an obstacle appears…poof. Idea: out of commision. Because statistics show I always fail at actually completing these projects. (Maybe except for my YouTube channel.. it’s almost been a year, but I sill don’t feel proud of it.)

I demand a meaningful life. Where I can make a difference and matter. Being important to a handful of people just isn’t good enough for me anymore.

I just want to live my life on a smaller scale. Without social media. Without the awareness of celebrities. But I just can’t. My life will never be like that. My definition of success by perception of Hollywood cannot be forgotten. 

I’m in a constant war with myself on how I want to live my life and who I am. With every one of my projects, I CAN ALWAYS SEE IT HAPPENING AND BECOMING SUCCESSFUL. But then something always happens. I doubt myself. I give up. And again repeats the cycle.

“She believed she could, so she did.” Well. That isn’t always true, is it?…



  1. I wouldn’t become too attached to the whole meaning of life thing. It’s great you’ve been busy for so long and are making such a positive change! The thing about ‘our purpose on this earth’ is that it’s a subjective question, that to be honest has no real answer.

    I mean think of it this way do you think a rose bud thinks that it could be a tulip, or that a bird chirps differently accordingly to opinion? Well I’m sure the bird keeps on chirping it’s song and the rose bud grows into a flower, and keeps parasites away from it’s stem so bugs and cause pollination! So our purpose is basically whatever we choose it to be, whether it’s big, small or world changing it’s up to us.

    I find it wonderfully inspiring how dedicated you are to help the world! Here’s a thought try doing many small things with a big vision, rather than doing fewer bigger things! You’ll reap more gratification, and you won’t burn yourself out in the process! Do what you can and leave it at that. Everything is a step by step process, people with large visions started with small things that collectively made something huge! Keep persevering and staying positive, your a real treasure to society!

    I will say lastly, that don’t get too attached to the meaning of life, it’s end or how big your legacy is. Live in the moment, do every little thing you can to help your vision for a better future! If things bother you, then clear your mind- go to your body. Walk for a little bit, do relaxation yoga and just detach from negative thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re the real treasure. Thank you so much for the incredible words and insight! You’re one of the reasons that I woke up in an enlightened mood ready to take on another day, truthfully. I always seem to get and stay into these moods for long periods. It’s so hard for me to not think of life on a grand scale! I see everyone around me SO successful. I seem to always forget what they had to do to get there.. I guess the real struggle for me is to just take it day by day! Maybe I’ll buy a mantra band to help me remember! Haha. Thanks again!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome! Aw my gosh.. You’re too kind! I’m just trying to help in any way possible, I’m really just another conduit for information. Remember you are unique, there is nothing more successful than being content with your life and striving to be the best you, you can possibly be! A Mantra band eh? Haha not a bad idea!

        Remember you are strong, you are powerful, you are unique and you are beautiful. Nobody can take away your good qualities and achievements!

        Take care!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No you! XD It’s not really, but hey that’s a cool name too! Aw sweet, I just realized that name makes me transformer! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  2. No it is not. I feel the same way. I too suffered from depression yet never sought help because of my pride. I told myself that I was stronger than that when in reality I may not have been. I realized that my depression, which still comes and goes sometimes in large scales, left me with a lot of self doubt. It left me filling that hole as well… or imagining things to fill that hole. Remember, focus on the little picture because not knowing the answer to the big one brings on unnecessary stress and worry.


    1. Your last sentence could not be any truer. I don’t know if you’ve heard of Mantra Bands, but they are these tiny steel bracelets with mantras engraved into them! Because of this post and whatnot, I decided to buy ‘One Day At A Time’. I think that’s appropriate to my life right now to prevent another one of these little episodes from happening! 🙂 You should totally check them out! They have a bunchhh!!! http://www.mantraband.com/

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have heard of them but its been a while… that is a great idea though. Just a little something that is a constant reminder throughout the day. I will check them out, thanks!

        Liked by 1 person

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